Today, I wallowed. Something at work I inflated to be bigger than it really was, which sent my mind into a merry-go-round of thoughts, with unfortunately no forward momentum or motion even after hours of replaying it.
In times of wallowing, I realize I’m more concious of myself than of God and I at times feel helpless in fixing it. Just tonight, I tried playing tennis, swimming, writing furiously, and even playing the flip and point game in my Bible – searching for some piece of Scripture to speak to me and put my mind at ease. Yet, my heart was completely insatiable. Even though I feel like I was searching for God, it was impossible to see beyond myself and my situation.
Yet again, God uses Oswald Chambers to sum up things I can’t express myself – words that sum up my condition and yet still give me hope that I’m not a complete screw up. Here is what he says:
Self consciousness is the first thing that will upset the completeness of the life in God, and self-consciousness continually produces wrestling. Self-consciousness is not sin; it may be produced by a nervous temperament or by a sudden dumping down into new circumstances. It is never God’s will that we should be anything less than absolutely complete in Him. Anything that disturbs rest in Him must be cured at once, and it is not cured by being ignored, but by coming to Jesus Christ. If we come to Him and ask Him to produce Christ-consciousness, He will always do it until we learn to abide in Him.