Today, I wallowed. Something at work I inflated to be bigger than it really was, which sent my mind into a merry-go-round of thoughts, with unfortunately no forward momentum or motion even after hours of replaying it.
In times of wallowing, I realize I’m more concious of myself than of God and I at times feel helpless in fixing it. Just tonight, I tried playing tennis, swimming, writing furiously, and even playing the flip and point game in my Bible – searching for some piece of Scripture to speak to me and put my mind at ease. Yet, my heart was completely insatiable. Even though I feel like I was searching for God, it was impossible to see beyond myself and my situation.
Yet again, God uses Oswald Chambers to sum up things I can’t express myself – words that sum up my condition and yet still give me hope that I’m not a complete screw up. Here is what he says:
Self consciousness is the first thing that will upset the completeness of the life in God, and self-consciousness continually produces wrestling. Self-consciousness is not sin; it may be produced by a nervous temperament or by a sudden dumping down into new circumstances. It is never God’s will that we should be anything less than absolutely complete in Him. Anything that disturbs rest in Him must be cured at once, and it is not cured by being ignored, but by coming to Jesus Christ. If we come to Him and ask Him to produce Christ-consciousness, He will always do it until we learn to abide in Him.
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I meant to respond to this yesterday. I think this is a side-effect of a hard worker and someone that feels everything they do at work, even down to the emails you send, are a reflection of your work and abilities so we give ourselves a hard time over things that others would consider minor. J tells me all the time not to read too much into everything said but you can’t help me. It’s stems from the desire to be respected.
These feelings cause us to become stuck- been there, done that, way too many times. I’ve been up writing all feelings and thoughts at 4:00 AM, even writing my prayers but we get stuck in our human feelings which makes it more complicated to just stop and listen. Human nature can really cause some unnecessary struggles right?