Yesterday I made an offer on a Townhome. Surprisingly, becoming committed to something that large is not that hard to do. One check, a few signatures, and I could be a homehowner. However, admittently lowballing to the point of no return, I feel as if rejection is a large possibility that I need to prepare myself for.
In this process of rejection preparation I’ve been trying to leave it up to God, mostly by making prayers that aren’t directed at that property in particular. For instance, instead of praying that we get the place I have put an offer in on, I try to pray that we may find a place that we can start a life together and have a place where we can minister or extend hospitality to friends and family.
Now, while this sounds great on the outside, let me confess that I’m not really sure it is the route to go. For instance, while I am telling God that I’m putting all of my faith in Him and whatever he decides, I know he is looking down on me and knows that I want THAT property. He knows that I couldn’t sleep last night because at the back of my mind I have the hope that perhaps it will come through. Perhaps he will hear my plea for richeousness and he’ll pull some strings, look down on me with love and favor, and grant me my wishes and desires.
And so I think this is the time when I’m faced to get real with God. The notion of saying that I’m putting all of my faith in him and “whatever he decides” is all-around surface level and prayers of “fluff”. Instead, my faith in God should make it easier for me to lift up my heartfelt wants and desires. I would really talk with Him, instead of repeating empty prayers and consulting with people all around me to provide me with comfort.
Instead of lifting up prayers attempting to attain faith, I would take that faith into the knowing that he is there and listening. Knowing that he desires a relationship with me that allows me to tell him that I want this place really bad because I want a home where I can start seeing my life and my actions in my life here in a permanent perspective. That I want THAT property because it has a Jack and Jill bathroom and I can envision us brushing our teeth at the two different sinks when we are married. That the kitchen is bright and airy and I can see myself cooking dinners with my new husband.
At this point, God is showing that faith is much more than words and prayers, but it is knowing that he is right here in the moment. And so, in order for me to take my faith to the next level, I must be willing to share these thoughts with Him as if he is right here with me, and have the faith and assurance that he wants the best for his child. I just hope that he sees that a Jack and Jill bathroom really is what I need 🙂