Lately I’ve been convicted of refusing to enjoy the present. I know that sounds odd, but I think planning a wedding has caused me to look far into the future at one day, and as a result I’ve started to anticipate the wedding more and more, without realizing that God placed me here and now and I still have work to do in this very place.
If I were living in the here and now, I can’t help but to think that I would be doing much more than tying bows on all my favors, but that I would meet particular friends for dinner – that I would sit and write letters to my grandparents who aren’t doing good, that perhaps I would reach out to other women bloggers and begin to write more on my blog (since I know I’m supposed to be writing but I haven’t yet figured out what exactly)….Anyway the point is, I could literally think of a million ideas.
And yet, even though I could think of a million ideas – I don’t jump at any of the small opportunities because I don’t realize their impact in the grand scheme of God’s plan for my life. I almost want a big decision that totally rocks my world to come into my life. Now, I know that I’m about to get married in around 30 days (and that will really rock my world), but I think I keep waiting for God to put this huge gift down in my lap for me to obviously take and that I’d know that it was a sign that God was pulling me in a clear and meaningful direction.
The ironic part is that while I’m struggling and looking for this big gift to drop in my lap, one of my roommates came to me last night to talk about her latest job offers. Since she is a graphic designer, she is now having to decide between doing work for an advertising agency (which pays well), and working for our church (which doesn’t). Of course the whole time that she is sitting there talking and agonizing about the decision, my jealousy grew larger and larger. She was in the exact type of situation that I wish God would put me in because it is clear what God wants her to do.
So, I guess while I wait for the big sign, my goal is to live in the moment and keep trying to make sense of my day to day and what kinds of skills and competencies he is building in me right now. I know it is the best approach, but often the hardest for me to comprehend.