Today is Maundy Thursday, the day where the disciples had the last supper with Jesus, and the day that Jesus washed their feet, and the same day Judas betrayed him.
In a weird way, I feel like the last two weeks have been symbolically leading up to this weekend. I’ve felt the lowest I’ve felt in a really long time. Even though I hate to admit it, a majority of this is work related. We got an RFP in, and it has dominated just about every thought of every day and created a “norm” of 12 or 13 hour work days.
Even typing this, I feel ashamed that I’ve become “one of those people”, who can’t place healthy barriers between work and life. I resisted getting a smart phone for 3 years because of this. I’ve been told by people that I am the best example they know. Yet, I also secretly care a little too much about how people view me. I secretly want to be admired. I secretly want to know that I’m pulling enough weight (at least in comparison to the other person).
So when this RFP came walking through the door, it didn’t exactly plop squarely on my lap. Part of it was simply “expected” of me. Part of it was me wanting to pull my weight. Part of it was the assumption that I’ve built with others that I always jump in and help.
Whatever was the cause – it came my way and it threw my life off balance. It took time away from Billy and I. It took my energy away. It felt like it was robbing me of the enjoyment I usually find in the day to day.
In this time I’ve been humbled like none other. It’s been in these weeks that I’ve seen myself completely fail at serving others and serving God. It’s in these weeks that I’ve cried because I can’t seem to find happiness in the world or in the work that I tend to usually get so much satisfaction from.
Yet, in coming to a place where I could see my complete inadequacy, I have been met with a God that loves me so much that he would wash my feet and take my place. I’ve been met with a God who pursues me and really cares about what is going on, even when it feels like nobody does.
In this time leading up to Easter, I can identify with Judas the night of the last supper. I have traded God’s work with the world’s work. I have gotten trapped in helping others achieve their vision, instead of following God.
However, instead of feeling the nagging feeling of guilt, I am truly excited about this weekend – when I can stand with others and praise Jesus for giving me the grace that covers all.
What a wonderful gift is the grace of my savior.